WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a shocking but somehow completely unsurprising move, the White House today announced a bold new initiative: "Democracy, Brought to You By…"—a corporate sponsorship program allowing billionaires and multinational corporations to officially sponsor U.S. laws, government agencies, and even entire branches of government.

“Congress is expensive,” said an unnamed White House spokesperson while sipping a Pepsi™ (now the Official Beverage of the Department of Justice™). “And since we all know corporations already write the laws, we figured it was time to cut out the middleman and start making democracy profitable again.”

Among the first sponsorships:
✅ The Supreme Court, now brought to you by Amazon Prime™ (with 2-day rulings guaranteed for premium members!)
✅ The Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) is now ExxonMobil’s EPA™ (they promise to protect at least one tree somewhere)
✅ The Federal Election Commission (FEC) will be rebranded as the Crypto.com Election Center™ (funding elections with the latest in NFT technology!)

And in the biggest corporate coup yet, the U.S. Constitution itself is undergoing a rebranding effort, with an early draft of the new Preamble reading:
"We the Shareholders, in order to maximize quarterly profits…"

Some insiders say this program was inspired by Trump's wildly successful Million-Dollar-Per-Plate fundraising dinners, where donors got to personally draft legislation in between courses of gold-plated steak. Others speculate it’s all part of Project 2025, the conservative roadmap to a government that’s 100% off-the-shelf and billionaire-approved.

What does this mean for everyday people? Well, if you’re not a major corporate donor, good luck getting your interests represented in Washington. But don’t worry—you can still subscribe to Democracy+™ for just $49.99/month (Terms and conditions apply. Lobbyist access sold separately.)

April Fools? Maybe. But with the way things are going, we might be reading this headline for real next year. That’s why we need the We the People Amendment HJ Res. 54—to end corporate rule before corporate rule ends all semblance of democracy.

April 1st is the day for jokes, but here’s something that isn’t funny: thinking we can take on corporate rule without your grassroots support!

Corporate interests think they can buy our government. Let’s prove them wrong. Don’t let this movement become the punchline—chip in today!

💸 Foolproof Ways to Help:
🎩 Become a monthly donor – even $10/month keeps us in the fight!
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🃏 Share this with a friend – because democracy is more fun with company.

 Help us stop this madness before Congress starts selling ad space on the Constitution. 

In solidarity (and with a few April Fools’ giggles),

Alfonso, Greg, Jessica, Jason, Tara, Cole, Shelly, George, Daniel, Kelsey, Jennie, Keyan, D'Yale, Michael, Katie, Cat, & Hanaan.