If Corporations Are People, Then Why Can’t We Target Them With Drone Strikes?

In the United States, corporations enjoy many of the same rights as people — things like freedom of speech, the right to enter into contracts, and the ability to waste their money on Gary Johnson’s 2016 presidential campaign. Given how much they benefit from personhood, is it really so much to ask that the government treat them like its other citizens and start bombarding them with drone strikes?

I know what you’re thinking, “drone strikes are supposed to be reserved for terrorists in other countries, right?” Well, most of these corporations have already moved their headquarters abroad, and if charging $600 for designer jeans isn’t terrorism, then that word has lost all meaning. When you think about it, McDonald’s has killed more people than Al-Qaeda, anyway.

These radicalized corporations threaten our very way of life, and they must be stopped.

Think of all the problems it would solve. Who needs Congress when you can use AGM-114 Hellfire II missiles to break up monopolies? I bet Purdue Pharma would think twice before raising drug prices after one of those bad boys rips through their opioid laboratories. And do you really think Amazon will keep abusing their workers after the Air Force levels their new Virginia headquarters to the ground? If they do, it won’t take two days to ship another “package” to Bezos and his cronies.

That’s not to mention the new wave of innovation that corporate drone strikes would give rise to as companies seek to modernize their missile defense systems. With the fear of being extrajudicially blasted by heavy ordinance in play, suddenly corporations would have no choice but to prioritize the health and safety of their employees.

And honestly, why stop there? Corporations should have to deal with all the other bullshit that comes with being a person. Let’s see how Facebook likes it when we start selling their personal information to the highest bidder. I doubt Exxon Mobil would appreciate us sneaking into their homes and cranking up the thermostat. Why can’t Monsanto watch their grandmother die of cancer after years of exposure to their products?

If we really want to get crazy, we could even try making them pay taxes.

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